Narrator (UK version): The Fat Controller's Diary.
Narrator (US version): Sir Topham Hatt's Diary.
Titlecard: See above
Based loosely on a idea by
(The camera follows Gordon's path)
Gordon: "Express coming........."
(Gordon sees Percy, broken down and not functional, in his way)
"Get out of the way, you're on my express line!"
Percy: " I can't. These mail coaches are too heavy, and I've been wheezing so much, I've broken down. Can you help?"
Narrator: Gordon couldn't decide on what to do. He knew right away that he was going to be late if he stopped, and if he continued, Percy couldn't move at all.
Suddenly, he had an idea.
Percy: "Wa-hey! Faster, faster! Wa-ha! Yes!"
Gordon: "You stop at Wellsworth, right?"
Percy: "That's right......."
Flying Scotsman: (whistles)
Gordon: "What are you all doing here?"
Spencer: "You know what we're going to do next....."
Carly: "And we're going to do it when we get to the next hill!"
Flying Scotsman: "It is lucky that I'm going to race against you......."
"......for I have two tenders!"
Gordon: "Pah! Anyone can go as fastening as both of us! Just watch when our "race" begins!"
Percy: "Gordon, what in the world are you thinking? I don't want to skip Maron!"
Gordon: "Okay..........." (snickers cheekily)
Narrator: As soon as everyone reached Gordon's Hill, the race began.
Spencer: " On your marks......."
Carly: ".......get set............"
Percy: "Gordon, no........"
Gordon and the Flying Scotsman: "GO!"
Percy: "Gordon, I'm still coupled.........AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!! STOP, STOP!"
Gordon: "Come on, keep up!"
Narrator: Then, there was trouble.
Percy: "There's a bend up ahead! Slow down!"
Gordon: "Sorry, Percy, but that's not what I'm doing right now!"
Percy: "Gordon, how dare you! Slow down this instant!"
Gordon: "Oh, you want to go faster, huh? Here you go!"
(Percy briefly turns over)
"Slow down, I'm about to derail!"
Gordon: "Shut up! I'm winning!"
Gordon's driver: "Slow down. He's right, and if the Fat Controller/Sir Topham Hatt saw you doing this, you would be sent to your shed."
(Percy turns back up at the last second. Gordon slowly stops and then starts back up at the end of the curve......)
(.......and then at the speed he was at before)
Percy: "GGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Slow down, slow DOWN!"
Spencer: "Oh, hi, Percy. What are you doing here? Joining our race, eh?"
Percy: "No......you see........a very fast tender engine is pushing me too fast...........and I want to stop as soon as........we get to the next station!"
Carly: "We already past it!"
Percy: "Gordon, you're going to pay for this!"
Spencer: "Hello there, Gordon! What's going on?"
Gordon: "I've got a special load for you to see. Want to speak with him?"
Spencer: "I already did."
Gordon: "You did?! Then how about we continue racing?"
Spencer: "Right on, Gordon! Let's!"
Gordon: "So you think you're the fastest engine on Sodor, huh? Wait until you see my full speed!"
(The screen cuts to black)
Gordon: "Let's stop here! Maron, here we...."
Percy: "Gordon, we've already stopped."
Gordon: "Where, exactly?"
Percy: "Crovan's Gate."
Gordon: "Oh, the indignity!"
Fat Controller: "Gordon, you have caused confusion and delay."
Gordon: "I understand, sir, I'm very sorry, sir, I won't do it again, sir!.."
Fat Controller: "No, Gordon. As punishment for racing against three other engines while coupled up to another train, you are prohibited to pull the express until further notice."
"To add to this, your "extra load" has been sent to the Steamworks all because of your actions, you stopped at the wrong station, and all of this has resulted in confusion and delay."
Yard manager: "Sir, you left your diary on your desk. You should possibly write in it before you leave."
Fat Controller: "Oh, I don't need to write in it now, I'm going to leave it here for now."
"Come on, Winston, we've got work to do."
Winston: "Bye, everyone!"
Narrator: (The Fat Controller/Sir Topham Hatt) had left his diary sitting on Gordon's lamp iron. As he looked down at it, he began to read some........."interesting" things.
Gordon: "Let me see here.......hrrmmmmmmmmmm......."
When I feel bored, I take a drink of some Gordon's-brand whiskey and bring gimmicky and really useful engines to my island for no reason at all.
"Heh! Ain't that right............wait, what's this?"
Also when I do this, I kick every driver and fireman off this island, cut every branchline in half, and let every engine go off on their own, play in dangerous areas, put on a permanent smile for the majority of the day, and get away with it.
"AH, HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!! This diary is hilarious! Now that I know what our controller does in his spare time, I'm going to tell him about it and see what he thinks!"
Charlie: "What are you laughing about, Gordon? Are you thinking of one of my jokes?"
Gordon: "No! Dig this!"
When I am depressed, I fire myself from my controller-of-the-railway status, make a new deal with HiT Entertainment and turn into a second-long appearance character, and pop up only when I need to tell off one of my engines. Then, after I am done with all of this, I go on a walk on the rails of my railway, take even more shots of you-know-what, and celebrate my duty at a Isle of Man-side pub.
Charlie: "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! This is so funny, I could BUST MY BUFFERS!"
Gordon: "No pun intended!"
Henry: "What are you two doing here? This yard is for shunting, loading, and lifting things, not fooling around!"
Gordon: "I was........uhhh.........reading some of Hamlet, that's all."
Henry: "I don't think so. Come over here and let me read the cover."
(Gordon rolls forward and shows Henry the cover to the diary)
"My Personal, Top-Secret- WHAT?! This is horrible! How are you going to lie to me when this is a diary?"
Gordon: "Well, uh, I had no idea you were coming, so, I....."
Narrator: Then, there was trouble.
(Without a driver in his cab, Gordon starts moving. His face quickly begins to scrunch up into a permanent smile, and the narrator's voice turns into that of a American Michael Brandon-style accent)
Narrator: Gordon's wheels began to whirl and wobble. They shuffled and shook around, Gordon began to move swiftly and soundly, and he began to gain a nonsensical smile.
(Paxton is pulling a train of livestock when he sees Gordon moving on his own)
Paxton: "Gordon?! What on Earth do you think you're doing?"
(Gordon doesn't answer, and continues moving)
James: "Gordon, what are you doing here without any coaches? Don't you know (the Fat Controller/Sir Topham Hatt) relies on us to be really useful on a day like this?"
Gordon: "Someone told me to pick up a special special!"
James: "(groans) Here we go again..............."